Fear of Them

“The fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

At moments when I feel particularly discouraged, I close my eyes and I can see a panel of faces. They glare at me, disapproving. They are faces from my past and present - people who have flung harsh words, scribbled angry notes, wordlessly shaken their heads in disgust, made snide comments behind my back, or simply ignored me.

These are the faces of people with whom I have lived, worked, and attended church and school. Collectively, they form the group I have titled “Them.” These people live in different cities, have never met each other and have absolutely no idea of the part they play in my subconscious. Yet somehow I think of them as a whispering, gossiping mob, bent on judging my every move, celebrating my every mistake.

Today, I was convicted – once again – of my intense fear of others, my constant need for affirmation, approval and the overwhelming fear of rejection. Wait, a second, you say (I can hear you), that doesn’t sound like sin. That sounds like plain old low self-esteem, right?

Kevin DeYounge, author of Just Do Something, wrote a blog about fearing God versus fearing others. “Fearing God is the beginning of wisdom,” Proverbs 9:10 says. DeYounge equates fearing people with the beginning of foolishness and sin.

Do I fear the Lord? I used to, but I have feared people for a long time.

Sometimes when I’m driving home from work after a bad day, I yell at “them,” hurl insults to counteract the ones I’m sure they’re flinging my way. Sometimes, when I’m lying in bed before drifting to sleep, I beg them to be merciful, forgive my faults so I can just rest.

In fear of “them,” I have quit jobs to run away from their judgment. In fear of “them,” I have cried myself to sleep. I have avoided people, told myself I would keep my head down and remain quiet to avoid their rejection. I’ve dreaded going to work each day, always fearing that some small mistake I’ve made will be dragged out for all to see. Who knows how many decisions have been tainted by this fear?

Of course, these thoughts occurred only in the deeper recesses of my mind, pushed beneath the surface of a generally happy life. I’m a little unhappy at work, but who isn’t? DeYounge’s blog smacked me in the face with the reality of my fear imbalance.

He asks: “Do you have low self-esteem? It may seem counter intuitive, but self-esteem issues are usually rooted in pride. You reverence the opinions of others. You use them to build up your identity and sense of well-being…. Do you avoid people for fear of their rejection? There is something not right in your heart if you are constantly suspicious that others don’t like you and must be thinking ill of you.”

Proverbs is right. Fearing people is a trap, ensnaring you for a lifetime of unhappiness, distrust, anger, and yes, fear itself. “But whoever trusts in the Lord is safe,” the second half says. It offers us an alternative: fear God, trust God.

“This is a faith issue which takes a lot of fight. We will not fear God more than people unless we know the truth about God and people. Do you believe that pleasing God is more important and more satisfying than pleasing people? Do you believe that God is the only one to whom you will give account at the end of the age? Do you believe that God has forgiven all your sins at the cost of his Son’s blood, that Jesus needs none of your self-abuse to make him suffer enough and none of your feelings of perpetual misery to make him loving enough?” DeYounge asks his readers.

The reason I’m so surprised by this revelation is that I thought I had this covered. This isn't the first time I've encountered my fears. My fear of rejection used to center around my weight. In high school and college, I was quite sure my weight meant that no man would ever find me attractive. I convinced myself that no one liked me because I was chubby. Then, I learned a few things about my hair, clothes and how men thought and I figured out that I could be attractive. I also found out that I was lovable. I could make friends; I could even get a boyfriend. Then, all I could think about was getting married. My insecurities about that aspect completely melted when I fell in love with Josh. He loved me for me, all of me.

Josh often remarks in our discussions “You’ve never seemed insecure around me.” No, I’m not. My home and my personal groups of friends are the safety zone.

Trusting the Lord used to mean believing that I was lovable enough and likeable enough to someday get married. I used to sit and dwell in Jeremiah 17:7-8.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.”

My confidence was in the Lord to bring me a husband. Check. Now what? Turns out, there’s more to my insecurities and more to trusting God.

As I read DeYounge's words, it suddenly became very clear. I was in the wrong. I consider this my life verse, but I think I’ve been totally twisting the meaning. Those who trust in the Lord won’t be swept away by the opinions of others. They will stand firm in their knowledge. My confidence shouldn’t be in my career, the acceptance of my coworkers or even in my own opinion of myself. Do I trust God and his plan for my life and am I willing to be obedient to what he requires of me on a daily basis?

I think this may require waking up each morning and asking myself “Today, will I fear people and their rejection or ridicule or will I fear the Lord and failing to live out His purpose for my life?” I also think it's going to require to long talks with the Father to get things sorted out.

The lovely thing about conviction is that after that initial breath-stealing pain as your own pride falls away, there is a secondary sensation as the Father wraps His arms around you to assure you of His love.

That's where I need to abide, in His love.

I wish I could tie this up with a neat little bow, a perfectly packaged message to inspire and convict. But alas, I'm a blogger, not a pastor. I'm sharing my personal story of journeying through life. I think that learning to let go of my fear of people, silencing "Them," is just that: a journey. Will you join me?