Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Fear of Them

“The fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

At moments when I feel particularly discouraged, I close my eyes and I can see a panel of faces. They glare at me, disapproving. They are faces from my past and present - people who have flung harsh words, scribbled angry notes, wordlessly shaken their heads in disgust, made snide comments behind my back, or simply ignored me.

These are the faces of people with whom I have lived, worked, and attended church and school. Collectively, they form the group I have titled “Them.” These people live in different cities, have never met each other and have absolutely no idea of the part they play in my subconscious. Yet somehow I think of them as a whispering, gossiping mob, bent on judging my every move, celebrating my every mistake.

Today, I was convicted – once again – of my intense fear of others, my constant need for affirmation, approval and the overwhelming fear of rejection. Wait, a second, you say (I can hear you), that doesn’t sound like sin. That sounds like plain old low self-esteem, right?

Kevin DeYounge, author of Just Do Something, wrote a blog about fearing God versus fearing others. “Fearing God is the beginning of wisdom,” Proverbs 9:10 says. DeYounge equates fearing people with the beginning of foolishness and sin.

Do I fear the Lord? I used to, but I have feared people for a long time.

Sometimes when I’m driving home from work after a bad day, I yell at “them,” hurl insults to counteract the ones I’m sure they’re flinging my way. Sometimes, when I’m lying in bed before drifting to sleep, I beg them to be merciful, forgive my faults so I can just rest.

In fear of “them,” I have quit jobs to run away from their judgment. In fear of “them,” I have cried myself to sleep. I have avoided people, told myself I would keep my head down and remain quiet to avoid their rejection. I’ve dreaded going to work each day, always fearing that some small mistake I’ve made will be dragged out for all to see. Who knows how many decisions have been tainted by this fear?

Of course, these thoughts occurred only in the deeper recesses of my mind, pushed beneath the surface of a generally happy life. I’m a little unhappy at work, but who isn’t? DeYounge’s blog smacked me in the face with the reality of my fear imbalance.

He asks: “Do you have low self-esteem? It may seem counter intuitive, but self-esteem issues are usually rooted in pride. You reverence the opinions of others. You use them to build up your identity and sense of well-being…. Do you avoid people for fear of their rejection? There is something not right in your heart if you are constantly suspicious that others don’t like you and must be thinking ill of you.”

Proverbs is right. Fearing people is a trap, ensnaring you for a lifetime of unhappiness, distrust, anger, and yes, fear itself. “But whoever trusts in the Lord is safe,” the second half says. It offers us an alternative: fear God, trust God.

“This is a faith issue which takes a lot of fight. We will not fear God more than people unless we know the truth about God and people. Do you believe that pleasing God is more important and more satisfying than pleasing people? Do you believe that God is the only one to whom you will give account at the end of the age? Do you believe that God has forgiven all your sins at the cost of his Son’s blood, that Jesus needs none of your self-abuse to make him suffer enough and none of your feelings of perpetual misery to make him loving enough?” DeYounge asks his readers.

The reason I’m so surprised by this revelation is that I thought I had this covered. This isn't the first time I've encountered my fears. My fear of rejection used to center around my weight. In high school and college, I was quite sure my weight meant that no man would ever find me attractive. I convinced myself that no one liked me because I was chubby. Then, I learned a few things about my hair, clothes and how men thought and I figured out that I could be attractive. I also found out that I was lovable. I could make friends; I could even get a boyfriend. Then, all I could think about was getting married. My insecurities about that aspect completely melted when I fell in love with Josh. He loved me for me, all of me.

Josh often remarks in our discussions “You’ve never seemed insecure around me.” No, I’m not. My home and my personal groups of friends are the safety zone.

Trusting the Lord used to mean believing that I was lovable enough and likeable enough to someday get married. I used to sit and dwell in Jeremiah 17:7-8.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.”

My confidence was in the Lord to bring me a husband. Check. Now what? Turns out, there’s more to my insecurities and more to trusting God.

As I read DeYounge's words, it suddenly became very clear. I was in the wrong. I consider this my life verse, but I think I’ve been totally twisting the meaning. Those who trust in the Lord won’t be swept away by the opinions of others. They will stand firm in their knowledge. My confidence shouldn’t be in my career, the acceptance of my coworkers or even in my own opinion of myself. Do I trust God and his plan for my life and am I willing to be obedient to what he requires of me on a daily basis?

I think this may require waking up each morning and asking myself “Today, will I fear people and their rejection or ridicule or will I fear the Lord and failing to live out His purpose for my life?” I also think it's going to require to long talks with the Father to get things sorted out.

The lovely thing about conviction is that after that initial breath-stealing pain as your own pride falls away, there is a secondary sensation as the Father wraps His arms around you to assure you of His love.

That's where I need to abide, in His love.

I wish I could tie this up with a neat little bow, a perfectly packaged message to inspire and convict. But alas, I'm a blogger, not a pastor. I'm sharing my personal story of journeying through life. I think that learning to let go of my fear of people, silencing "Them," is just that: a journey. Will you join me?

Friday, June 8, 2012

That Necessary Part




When I was growing up, my cousins and I would spend hours and hours at my grandparents’ farmhouse in Nebraska listening to cassette tapes. Underneath the counter in the laundry room, a leather case held an entire set of Dan and Louie recordings. We’d pour over the case for 30 minutes then finally climb up on stools and put our chosen tape in the old tape player and begin a journey with Ventriloquist Pastor Dan and his dummy, Louie, as they told us bible stories. We learned about Jonah, Zacchaeus and Elisha.

Josh and I attended a church up the street a couple of weeks ago. When the pastor announced he was preaching about parenthood, I rolled my eyes. I don’t need any more fuel for THAT desire. As he began to develop the sermon, however, it was more relevant that I first thought.

The pastor discussed the legacy he desired to leave for his children and the legacy his grandparents and parents had left for him. Not a legacy of financial wealth, but an example of spiritual richness.

What I didn’t realize until very recently is that my grandparents made a choice to own those tapes and encourage us to listen to them. Those bible stories came alive to me through those recordings. There are bits of biblical wisdom I’ve got tucked in the corners of my brain that I learned as a five year old sitting on the floor of my grandparent’s farmhouse. It’s part of my spiritual legacy.

My grandfather, who died when I was a young child, was a man of quiet compassion and great spiritual wisdom. The lessons he taught my mother were passed along to me.

My aunts and uncles singing to the Lord, praising Him, even as my grandfather lay dying in the hospital is powerful picture burned in my memory. We gathered around as a family to seek His comfort. I learned that no matter what the situation, He is worthy of our praise.

My grandmother on the other side is a prayer warrior. I know that my name is called before the throne of God on a daily basis because she prays for everyone in our family. Her example of selflessness in the face of extreme adversity is one that will forever be impressed upon my heart. Even to this day, my grandmother gets up very early and worships the Lord.

When I was in middle school and high school, my mom would update me on the life of my older cousin Monica. Her story of trusting the Lord as she struggled to teach in an inner city middle school that had no discipline taught me to stop and pray in whatever situation I find myself in. The powerful way in which God was faithful to bring her and her husband together was a reminder that the Lord will give us the desires of our heart if we only trust in Him.

As a child, we had several of my mother’s employees move into our house, share our table and learn about Christ for a season. My mother was a missionary in our hometown of Lincoln, Nebraska. If someone was in trouble, needed help, she wasn’t afraid to inconvenience herself. She invited them in. How many people came to know the Lord because my mother was unafraid to share what gave her hope? Only He knows.

When my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, the true test came. My parents both learned to trust in ways they never thought they would have to. I remember my dad gripping the pew in front of him, struggling to sing the worship chorus “Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord,” knowing that it meant submitting no matter the cost, even to his death. Yet, they both remained faithful to Christ, seeking Him in the greatest hour of need.
In the last birthday card my father gave to me, my sweet 16, in his very careful handwriting, he wrote “May God occupy that so necessary part of you.” At the time, it didn’t make much sense. What necessary part? Huh?

He knew that his death would leave a hole in my life where a father’s love, affection and encouragement should have been. I felt the sting of that loss more than once after he passed away. He knew I needed to look to my Heavenly Father for those things, and prayed that God would see me through. More importantly, he knew that void we all have that pushes us to seek the Lord wouldn’t be satisfied in any other way.

As I grew older, I kept coming back to that phrase he’d written and continued to seek the Lord. Even now, as a married woman, I realize that void cannot be filled in any other way except for the Father’s love.

Is my family perfect? Oh heavens no. We’re a warped, human group of people. But they have left me a legacy that I shall be indebted to the rest of my life.

As I listened to the man’s sermon, I was struck with the opportunities I have now to build a legacy in others. My nephew, 9, is about to hit that age where everything the world has to offer will look pretty good. I need to begin sewing a legacy of God’s love into his life. I need to be praying for his spiritual growth. He is so intelligent; it’s going to take a lot to keep up with him.

Josh and I have been married less than two months. Children are a ways off, at least in our planning. However, I still consider us a new family. Although we aren’t yet, Lord willing, we are a future mother and a future father. Just as we should begin storing up a monetary nest egg, so we should begin building up a spiritual nest egg. If we can’t manage a daily time in prayer and the Word now, how will we ever manage with the busyness of children? Our interaction as husband and wife needs to be holy and righteous not just for the sake of each other and for God’s glory, but as a solid foundation for our family.

My husband wrote this about our marriage:
“It is the love for our Lord, Jesus Christ that unites us as one. Our commonality of a Christian upbringing is unequivocally the most wonderful gift that two people can bring to a marriage. Our foundation rests in Our Savior and forever in this home we shall serve Him.”

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Wedding Signs

There are a million ways to use old pallets. They've got the perfect weathering and rustic edges to make them look gorgeous in just about any project. My sister had recently gotten a couple pallets full of concrete blocks and she loaded them up in her mini van so we could make these signs. We posted them to direct wedding guests from the main road.
First, we used a circular saw to saw off each of the boards from the side supports.
Next, we used a crowbar to pull out the nail from the center support.
After we got them separated, we stenciled "Wedding" on each board. I went to Lowe's and bought ground spikes to attach to the signs for a dollar a piece. They had peel and stick tape, but we used some shallow screws to double the strength. Total project cost: $10, $5 for the spikes. $5 for the stencils (probably could have free handed the letters).

Moss Wreaths

We made these wreaths to hang in the windows of the church out of, yeah, pool noodles!
We cut the noodles down to make them a bit shorter using a bread knife.
Then, we ducktaped them together to make the correct shape. Don't be afraid to use quite a bit of the tape.
We broke apart some moss and attached the sections with spray adhesive. The last thing we did was wrap sewing thread the same color as the moss all over the wreaths for a bit of added security. Total project cost: $15 for the moss. We used pool noodles that were chilling in the attic and the thread we had on hand.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Chalkboard (in any color!)

A huge wedding trend right now involves chalkboards. I loved the idea of using chalkboards but the fact that they are either green or black didn't exactly get me excited. Then, I found this tutorial online of how to make chalkboard paint in any color by combining unsanded grout with basic craft paint. I picked up this plaque on clearance at Hobby Lobby. I sanded it just slightly to rough up the paint.
The trick was to find unsanded grout that was actually a powder. I ended up paying closer to six dollars for the grout, so this wasn't exactly the most cost effective project, but it was fun to do.
1 1/2 teaspoons of the grout
1/4 cup of the craft paint in whatever color you so choose
I painted the plaque with an old brush. I was okay with the textured look. I'd use a roller or sponge brush if you want a smoother surface. When it dried, I cured it by simply rubbing a piece of chalk over the flat surface of the board. Bam! I had a brown chalkboard.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Monogram Pillows

I fell in love withe idea of burlap pillows for the reception location. I knew I wanted to incorporate the couches at the reception into the seating arrangement, and knew I needed to decorate them. I found a whole bunch of inspiration on Pinterest and I decided I had to have burlap pillows since burlap was quickly becoming a theme: burlap runners, burlap barstool covers, burlap chair covers. My mom pulled out a giant piece of fabric I apparently bought many years ago for a project and never used. It wasn't burlap, but it had a great texture and I knew it would be useful for home decor after the wedding. We sewed them, stuffed them and marked them with a B... I mean G.
We simply cut out squares. I used a stencil I bought at Hobby Lobby (the same font as my cake topper monogram, by the way) and attached it to the fabric with blue painter's tape. I used regular craft paint from Walmart.
For the border, I used a Cricut cut out and traced it onto the pillow with a pencil and then painted over the trace.
For the burlap runner on the back of the couch, I'll post another tutorial. Cost: Fabric, free. Paint, I had around the house from my chalkboard project (again, another tutorial). Stuffing, on hand. Stencil, for the whole alphabet, I paid $7 and used them for two other projects. Total project cost: man hours and $7.

Moss Ball Arrangements

We created these two arrangements to fit on the two columns located at the front of the church, using, in part, this tutorial. The only thing was that it was kind of expensive to buy the foam balls. So I went to the dollar store and got two inflatable balls. One was Winnie the Pooh and the other was Dora the Explorer. I used spray adhesive and rolled them in the moss.
Finally, we put them inside two urns we found at Hobby Lobby, added a faux draping piece of greenery, a fake spider mum from Old Time Pottery, and we had an arrangement that we didn't have to pay a florist to create. Cost of arrangement: $2 for the balls, $20 for the urns (we used our online 40% off coupon) at Hobby Lobby, $4 for the spider mums, $4 for the moss, $8 for the greenery, and $2 for the florist foam at the dollar store. Total cost: $40.

Craigslist find: Manzanita Trees

Early on in the planning process, I saw the Manzanita trees I wanted on Etsy for $80 a piece. Obviously, that didn't fit my decorating budget. That didn't squelch my desire to have these little table top trees as my centerpieces for the reception. So, when I found an awesome deal on Craigslist for these, I hopped in the car and took off. We got 8 trees for under $100. That's a deal!
The pink flowers weren't my taste, but they were hot glued on. So, we just heated up the glue by aiming a hair dryer at each glob for about 30 seconds and pulled them off. We also spray painted them brown because they were previously black. The crystals went back on and we hot glued moss onto the base to cover the florist cubes holding the trees in place.
To make the balls, we used this tutorial from dollar store crafts blog and modified it. We used the same circle punch, created the cones with the lunch bag cutouts and then hot glued them to tiny newspaper balls. Basically, a tiny coffee filter ball. I think they look slightly like hydrangeas, except, you know, brown. Total project for center pieces: $100 for trees, $5 for spray paint, $2 for moss and $1 for a package of brown lunch bags from the dollar store. Total investment = less than $110.

Moss Letters

One of my favorite projects was making the moss letters for the church doors. I realize there are a ton of tutorials out there, but I thought I'd just put it out there one more time.
The first thing I did was make a giant letter using Publisher. It printed out on several 8.5 x 11 sheets. I cut the letter out and taped it together. I taped it down onto foam board and traced it. This is the part where I really wished I would have used cardboard. I found the foam board was very difficult to cut with an exacto knife. So, we used the Drimmel tool and cut it out. We used spray adhesive and glued the moss on top and sides.

Gift Table Banner

We made this table banner for both the gift table and the sweetheart table. First, we applied a teastain to paper doilies we purchased at the dollar store using a paintbrush.
We let them dry for a few hours.
We cut some scrapbook paper to match the dimensions of the center of the doilies, cut letters out using our Cricut machine and glued them on. We hotglued each piece onto a length of twine and then used safety pins to attach to the tablecloth so it wouldn't cause any damage to the rented linens.

Coffee Filter Light

We made this light out of an empty letter we thrifted. Paper Street Market in St. Petersburg sells these letters salvaged from old store signs. They sell ones that have the covers on them and some without. When I found this G, I picked it up. I wanted to create a pretty way to display it with lights inside. First, we drilled a hole in the back of the letter big enough to pull a plug through. We bought a piece of regular posterboard, traced the outline of the letter and cut it out. We used a hole punch and then pushed each bulb of the Christmas lights through the holes.
Then we used our coffee filter cones (see earlier post) and hot glued them on to the posterboard. We pushed down the posterboard inside the letter.
Disclaimer: I'm not guaranteeing that the Christmas lights will not catch the filters on fire. We kept it on for several hours and it didn't get hot, so we felt pretty safe. We put the letter on our cake table.

Coffee Filter Pomanders

I bought a whole bunch of coffee filters at the dollar store (over 20 packages, each had 300 filters). We pushed a pencil inside the center of each one, and scrunched the filters around the pencil. It created the cone shape you see here. We dunked them into a pot of tea and let them air dry. It took a good 12 hours for the filters to dry. If we lost patience, we stuck them in the oven at the lowest temp setting for about 20 minutes.
We hot glued the cones all over a tennis ball sized newspaper ball and added a loop of ribbon. Each ball took at least 125 filters to get the extremely full look. Photo credit goes to Earthen Vessels Photography.
We roughly followed this tutorial: http://heysisblog.blogspot.com/2011/08/coffee-filter-pom-poms-three-ways.html Coffee filter pomanders: About $20 for the coffee filters. We used tea we had on hand and newspapers I had saved for a couple of months. For 18 pews, I used three spools of ribbon that I also bought at the dollar store. Pew decor total: less than $25.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Venues



When it came time for my fiance and I to choose venues (less than two days after we got engaged), I knew that I wanted one church. And one church only.

Polk County hosts some very beautiful churches, but I've always envisioned a white chapel for my wedding. After scouring the web for venues for several months before I was even engaged (I wanted to be ready!), I found the perfect church. It happens to be in the city of Homeland and owned by Polk County.

It's also a great value. The cost of using it for the wedding and rehearsal was $250.

It's very difficult to find professional photographers who have shot weddings here, but it's gorgeous. When I went in for the first time and closed the door behind me, it felt so sacred and I was impressed by its simplistic beauty.



The reception venue was a little harder to come up with on a small budget. With country clubs, hotel ballrooms, even public community rooms ranging out of my budget, I started to get a little bit frustrated. I almost decided to bite the bullet and shell out some big bucks for a total un-inspirational space. The City of Lakeland was having an event on our date, so they wouldn't rent any of the 1920s inspired space we looked at.

But, this spend thrift girl didn't give up.

Okay, that's NOT true. Total lie. My fiance, flipping through the piles of venue info I'd printed, picked out one he really liked, even though it was totally out of our price range.

"Let's just go and see it," he said. Not willing to be a Bridezilla, I figured it wouldn't hurt to check it out. Lake Mirror Tower has a banquet room on the bottom floor. As soon as walked in, I wanted it. Tall ceilings, arched windows and 20s inspired light fixtures gave it train-station feeling. The only problem: the price.

The building, above the first floor, has been converted to apartments. My fiance has a couple of friends who live there. After looking through the brochure, we saw the clause that a resident can rent it without a deposit and for a much smaller price! We leaned on our connections and found a friend who would be willing to help us out. So, we had a venue and for the perfect price.

Color Scheme



The first thing I did was choose a color scheme. My favorite color has been brown for quite some time now and I couldn't pass it up. I knew I wanted accents of ivory. I especially didn't want a white, white dress. However, the browns and creams are more reminiscent of a fall wedding than they are spring colors. Since my date was set for April, I needed to give it a spring color to liven it up. I fell in love with the mossy letters on etsy.com.



So, I added mossy green to the mix.

Ivory, Champagne, Burlap, Mocha, Truffle and Moss were the final picks for the color scheme.

Then, I came across gorgeous photos like these and I was head over heels in love with my scheme.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Spend Thrift Bride

According to a very popular wedding planning website, The Knot, the average cost of a wedding nowadays is $27,800.

What. the. heck.

Yeah, sure David Tutera is amazing. What is money when you're planning the day you've been dreaming of since age 7? Well, it's still money. My parents aren't lawyers or doctors. I work a clerical job and my fiance, while he is doing very well for himself, doesn't have 20 grand just sitting around in a savings account. I refuse to go into debt for a single day of my life.

So, what's a girl to do? I've seen Pinterest. The cat is out of the bag. Now I'll never be satisfied with just a mediocre wedding.

So, four months ago when I got engaged, I determined that I needed to keep costs down.

Added to the small budget, my other challenge was the short amount of time I've had to plan my wedding. Six months.

This is a blog about my projects, my spend thrift tips and a log of my experience. I don't claim to be an expert. I just hope by sharing my wedding planning journey, it will help you in yours.